Funding Dumb Ideas


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Giving money to congress is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.”  P.J. O’Rourke coined that little beauty in his book, Parliament of Whores, a few years ago and I’m sure he has no sense of urgency to revise it.  Our elected officials idiots are still spending ALL of our tax dollars plus imaginary money concocted  by our nation’s treasury in an attempt to buy the votes of the myriad of constituencies willing to stuff the rest of us into the wood chipper (sorry Fargo) just to keep their snouts at the trough.  The business of politicians is to get re-elected and it’s business as usual in this new year. “Let’s keep this party going!”  The only difference between our congressional bozos and an out of control Shriner’s convention?    The answer of course is those cool little cars and maybe a fez or two.

The recent dust up  regarding keeping our government funded with money we don’t have but can print from here until hell blows up or we run out of ink offers a real opportunity to consider exactly how seriously we are being stiffed .  The fact that our debt has grown from $11 trillion five years ago to almost $17 trillion today is apparently of no concern to either party.  Our fiscal due diligence  appears to fall somewhere to the left of who gives a fuck!

If these congressional rodeo clowns (sorry rodeo clowns!) need some help with the budget, I have a few suggestions.  Here are some cuts for you boys and girls of the Congress to consider:

1.  Every four years the government spends about $100 million bucks to subsidize parties at the political conventions.  Let them buy their own balloons! (booze and hookers too!)

2. Last year, $120 million was paid to dead federal employees.  Obviously one of them is still handling the books.

3. A total of $146 million was paid for federal employees to upgrade their flights to business class. WTF??!!

4. Our (as in U.S.) government spent $2.6 million to encourage Chinese prostitutes to drink more responsibly.

5.  The Department of Health and Human Services spent $800,000, a bargain, to subsidize the building of an I Hop in DC.    What?  The residents of that burg weren’t already fat enough?

6.  Women’s Hospital in Boston was given $1.5 million to study why three-quarters of lesbians in the U.S. are overweight and why most gay males are not.  (Can’t wait to read that report.)

7.  $505,000 of your tax dollars were spent to promote specialty hair and beauty products for cats and dogs. Nugget and Maddy should be the best looking cats in South Dakota!

8.  The $592,527 spent on studying why chimpanzees throw poop was certainly a bargain.

9.   Not this year, but in 2012, the government gave $350,000 to Purdue University to fund a study that discovered that if golfers imagine that a hole is bigger it will help them with their putting.  I want our money back!  If you need me, I’ll be on the putting green.

10.  In the past 15 years, a total of approximately $5.25 million of your dollars was spent on hair care services for the U.S. Senate.  Talk about a failed beautification project!!!  Lindsey Graham anyone? Dianne Feinstein – ha!

I’m  just scratching the surface here.  You may want to consider this the next time a government shutdown in threatened.  “Go ahead, make my day”, springs to mind.

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