Don’t Be a Darwin Winner!


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America has become the land of idiots. I was shaving the other morning and I noticed a warning label on the extra blades that read – “Not for Use on or Around Your Eyes”. I actually had to read it twice … who the fuck thinks to use a razor on their eyelashes?

Can we agree to let Darwinism work it’s magic and have the pieces fall where they may?

I am willing to bet the person who is most likely to use a razor on their lashes or their eye for that matter is also the most unlikely person to read the warning. But now when that mental moron does use their sharp edged blade on their lashes they can’t sue the company with the claim -They Didn’t Warn Me!! However, they will probably win a lawsuit in the future because they could not read a warning label because they cut their damn eyeball.

That’s the thing people, American’s have become super sue crazy in their get rich quick mentality. Here’s the problem, the rest of us suffer because of the complete dipshits that misuse products. Prices of commodities are inflated to cover the cost of potential or ongoing litigation. I realize some things have the potential to be harmful if used incorrectly or in excess. If you drink too much water you could die, you don’t see a warning label on the water fountain. I am guessing that is in the works.

Not sure what I am talking about? Well how about these other warning labels:

Silica Packets

The little packets that come with new shoes or toys that keeps your precious goods fresh from moisture. You know what they aren’t? A snack. Thank god they told me that or I totally would have thought, shit here’s some new shoes and look they sent me a little packet of something I should put in my mouth without even knowing what it is! How thoughtful!

Packing Material

Not for ingestion. When I receive a package in the mail and see the thousand little pieces of foam that go fucking everywhere when I extricate my purchase; I immediately think…shit instead of throwing that out I bet we can make a meal out of it! Dawn, go get me some ranch and ketchup pronto! That shit makes everything taste good. Serious, just ask my niece Morgan, she eats ketchup on everything!

I have taken the liberty to rewrite some warning labels to reflect what they truly should say:

  • If you don’t follow the directions and you get harmed or the product gets ruined, etc. it’s your fault not ours.
  • This product gets hot; don’t be surprised if you get burned. If you are a dipshit and spill it on your junk because you have it between your legs don’t blame us.
  • Don’t drink this shit; it is for cleaning not cocktails.
  • Don’t put this shit in your mouth it is not food.
  • This item is sharp, if you get cut it’s your fault not ours.
  • Keep this shit out of kids hands like a normal parent would, this shit is not a toy.
  • Don’t consume drugs or alcohol and then think you can operate this – you can’t. You are an idiot if you think you can.
  • Wash your hands before touching anything else, because if you don’t and you put your hands in your eyes you will have a pain like you have never experienced before. Not responsible for any cancer caused by its napalm effect.
  • When you order something that is hot, like coffee, and it is served hot when you spill it on yourself you’re an idiot and it is your fucking fault not ours.
  • Fireworks contain explosives. If you try to shoot them off your head, body, penis or other body appendage it can cause loss of that body part or death. It also makes you an automatic candidate for the Darwin Awards because have proven to be a fucking simpleton.
  • Don’t be a fucking moron. We are not responsible for your stupidity or an erection that lasts longer then four hours.

That last warning should  cover the majority of product warning labels.

What are some of the most ridiculous warning labels you have seen? I want to hear from you. Comment above on the comments link.

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