Kirkland Beer – Nectar of Gods or Monkey Piss?


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Being in the Bechtold family entails many things. One of those things is the ability to effortlessly drink good beer.  Well, my brother may have taken a little liberty in the “good beer” category during our recent Thanksgiving festivities.

Yeah!!! Y’all know what I’m talking about. There is no self-respecting family man out there who doesn’t B his L on some Ts on a daily basis. For me, it’s an action so engrained in my mind that I’ve never gone to Jimmy John’s and not ordered the B-L-T or Ultimate Porker sub. I don’t even like tomatoes, but simply B-ing your L isn’t enough to be cool, so I have to keep the T in there. Believe it or not, there are losers out there (not me) that have to B their L by themselves (savage, right?).

Anyway, another important quality of a family man is his attitude toward beer. He appreciates a fine craft brew, but he prefers drinking a barley soda of the light and cheap variety. In this series, I attempt to defend the latter from the Negative Nanceys who are talking shit on beer review sites. And let me tell you, some of these guys are real jerks about it.

This edition’s defendant is Kirkland Signature Light, a light lager brewed by either the Gordon Biersch Brewing Company, Matt Brewing, or fan-favorite Minhas Craft Brewery, depending on the location in the U.S. at which you purchase your 48-pack of 4.2% ABV brew.

“Wait… Did this motherfucker just say 48-pack?”

Yes, yes he did!

The more I think about it, the more I realize that Kirkland Signature Light just may be the pinnacle of light beer-dom. Let’s look at the facts:

1. Uh, IT COMES IN A MOTHERFUCKING 48-PACK. It would be a disservice to call a beer receptacle that large by the term “rack,” so I’m calling that bitch a shelf.

2. At $21.99 a 48-shelf, that’s less than $0.46 a beer. Fictional economists whom I’ve invented and named Chet Moneybags and Phillip “Dutch” Pocketbook have deemed this the perfect price point for a light beer.

3. It is only available at Costco, making it a member’s only beer. How fucking classy is that? Keep your grubby, recently masturbated-into hands off, you smelly, philistine hobos — this is a high-class beverage for high-class people.

4. Take a look at the no-bullshit packaging. Kirkland isn’t trying to fool you with their labeling, and I respect that. “Kirkland Signature. Light Beer. 12 FL OZ (355 mL). 105 Calories.” Just straight facts. Of course this means that they don’t have a motto, so I’ve come up with one that I think perfectly embodies everything Kirkland Signature Light stands for:

“It’s light beer.” ™

My crackhead nephew thinks Kirkland Signature Light tastes like “a Korean Elvis impersonator just ate a fat bowl of kimchi and sharted right into your face hole.” Sadly, not all reviewers have been raving about this nectar of the gods as much as I assume my brother-in-law  was with this cryptic review.

Jesus this awful. Malty watery flavor. Pours light yellow. Stylish can. Stay away had at the Illini football game – christpuncher, ratebeer.com

There are two people in the world whose advice nobody should take: people who willingly go to University of Illinois football games (the “Fighting” Illini just completed their fourth straight losing season), and people who make accounts on beer rating sites and then put this as their profile picture.

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