You’re a(n) fashionable person ass hole, you don’t need me to tell you that. When you enter the room, people gasp. Your clothes, of such exacting cut and flawlessly coordinated style, are a testament to your immaculate taste. This is why when you saw that Nordstrom was selling pre-muddied jeans for $425, you snapped them up immediately. You couldn’t give them your money fast enough, you gave yourself a compound wrist fracture trying to type your credit card details in too quickly.

You know what you want your clothes to say about you, and these clothes say “I have a lot of money, and have also possibly been to a farm one time or maybe got disastrously caught in the rain”. A simpleton might tell you that you could have bought a normal pair of jeans for like $50 and just let mud naturally accrue on them by not being cautious enough in wet conditions, but you know that fashion isn’t just about how things look, it’s also about how much things cost and which factory in Bangladesh they were made in.

Your appetite for sartorial perfection can’t be whetted, though. As the expression goes, fashion is never finished, especially not while you’ve still got money to spend. You know what would go perfectly with those muddied Nordstrom jeans that look just so good on you? This bloodied hessian sack I just happen to have and am willing to part with for a mere $300 dollars.

The sack, made from 100% real hessian, was infused with actual human blood and artfully frayed under circumstances that I’m not really inclined to get into, but which dictate that I would like to sell it very quickly. Splattered with small amounts of mud and erratically decorated with vents that look like they might have been made by a haphazardly swung kitchen knife, the sack can be worn as an interesting head garment, a conversation piece top, or, if you’re so inclined, you can put an entire human body in there.

You might think that the $300 price tag is simply because of the sack’s rugged aesthetic qualities, but this is a highly durable item of clothing / method of restraint, as the many, many attempts at piercing it with a frustratingly dull knife attest. And that blood is certainly not going to come out easily – trust me, I tried. You can soak this sack in anything – detergent, turpentine, bleach, diluted hydrochloric acid – that blood is not coming out and is theoretically still amenable to DNA testing.

Obviously, you’re sold on the sack, so why not complete the look? Everyone knows that accessories are what makes or break an outfit and I also happen to be selling a number of other items which go perfectly with the versatile blood-splattered hessian number you just picked up. People are going wild for that “lumbersexual” look right now, and nothing looks as rustic and authentic as this muddied shovel I happen to have laying around and am desperately keen to get rid of. For a mere $150 I am willing to give you an actual shovel, used for real digging, that has been hand-worn by agitated and hurried digging and hand-dented by its use as a bludgeoning instrument. Not only is the blood on the blade of the shovel very, very real, it is also devilishly hard to remove no matter how hard you try and feels like it will intractably stain the shovel like guilt until well after the tool itself has been swallowed by the earth.

Perhaps you’re hesitant to buy these items because of the prices and, frankly, I’m shocked. I thought you were a connoisseur, a person of refined taste, a person of means. Nevertheless, I am willing to budge. I would gladly sell both items to you for the unthinkably low price of just $100. If that’s still too high, I would consider $50. Hell, they’re free, just take them. Actually, tell you what, I will pay you $500 to take them if you just sign this affidavit attesting to my whereabouts on the night of April 26th and agree to help me carry something heavy into the Missouri River at midnight sometime later this week.