How to Shovel Snow


There has been a lot of talk of snow this week. And while I know most New Yorkers don’t shovel a flake of snow, many in D.C. and other locales are underwater (not literally) on condos, houses and town-homes. Also, maybe some newly underemployed i-banker is now the super of your building and needs to know how to shovel fucking snow. Anyway, knowing how to shovel snow is a useful skill. I have shoveled literally shit-tons of snow in my life so here’s how.

First, chug a fucking glass of peppermint schnapps.

Put on a hat and gloves. Next, throw on a light jacket. Not too heavy moron; you’re going to get sweaty. Also, it’s gotta be loose so nothing you bought at H&M. Armani? ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME? Next slam your feet into your boots. No, WITH PURPOSE. What, you don’t have boots?! (Rolls eyes). Okay, put on your Aldo dress shoes and put each foot into a few tall plastic bags, doubling or tripling up. Duct tape those fuckers on around your calves. You do have calves, don’t you? Yell to nobody in the house in particular, “I’m going out to shovel!”

Get your shovel.

You have one of those bent “ergonomic” shovels? (Sigh.) Fine. A plastic thing from Target? I suppose. Real shoveling is always and only done with aircraft-grade aluminum.

Open the door but do not step outside yet. Stepping on the snow just packs it onto the step and makes clearing it harder. Shovel the top step snow onto the second step. Shovel first and second step snow down onto the third. Repeat until you’re on a cleared spot on the landing. Turn around. Now scrape all the top step snow down to the second. Then to the third. Continue until all snow from the steps is on the landing then shovel that off to the side.

Go inside and chug another a fucking glass of peppermint schnapps.

Now, starting on one side of the walk, take your shovel and drive that bastard low and straight into the heart of the drift. Getting the absolute maximum amount of snow on your shovel, lift it up and toss it to the side. Groan if you must. Better yet curse that fucking snow. “Fuck you, you motherfucking shitty snow!” Get angry, damn it!

Repeat this all the way down one side of the walk until your back is so tight it is absolutely killing you to stand up straight. Then go inside and chug another glass of peppermint schnapps. What? You’re taking off your boots to get the schnapps? Fuck that. Traipse that fucking snow through the living room all over the wood floor.

Got your shovel? Starting in the middle of the walk now, and facing, perpendicular to the still-snow-covered strip of the walk, slide the shovel beneath all the rest of the snow to the edge of the walk, lift it up and toss it. Each try should completely clear one shovel-width of the walk. Continue this way until your tightening back pain moves from the lower back to where your back muscles meet your scrotum. Congratulations. That, my good man, is a hernia.

Now, hobble back to where you started in the middle of the walk and, facing, perpendicular to the strip again but AWAY from the snow-covered side of the walk, slide the shovel behind you beneath all the rest of the snow to the edge of the walk, lift it up like lifting a suitcase and toss it backwards. Do this until your triceps and shoulder sear. Toggle between these forward and backward methods until the walk is clean.

Don’t put any salt on that shit, you dumb-ass! You know how bad that is for dogs?

Now, go inside and finish the bottle of schnapps (though really it should be gone as bottles contain exactly three glasses of schnapps) and cook yourself a juicy steak. Oh wait – did you forget to shovel your patio where your grill is?

Now you know why we have snow blowers in South Dakota!

For real, everybody just chill the fuck out. Seriously! We’ll all be bitching about the summer heat before you know it.


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