Why I Will Not Be Seeing Star Wars


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A long time ago  in a Galaxy far far away…..I watched a film called Star Wars.

As far as I remember it was a mediocre film with some impressive special effects (for the 70’s) but I remember little else about it.  It was that kind of film.

Then they started pumping them out on a regular basis with sequels and prequels (I fucking hate that word) and to be honest I never bothered with any of them.  There were far better fantasy and science fiction films out there so I watched those instead.

Now we have all the fuss and chatter over the latest in this never ending saga and people are screaming “must see” and “amazing” and “fantastic”, though thankfully I haven’t yet seen “awesome”.

To coincide with this latest frenetic release Sky has even dedicated a Star Wars channel where all the films are available for download, and they stick on a new one each night for ordinary viewing.  More out of idle curiosity than anything else I picked one at random the other night and watched a bit of it.

Frankly it all seemed a bit disjointed.  There were so many things about it that annoyed me such as troopers using weapons that fire bolts of light instead of bullets (for fucks sake, they can build intergalactic spaceships but they can’t come up with a decent weapon?) and the usual lark of the bad guys missing with every shot but the good guys hitting their target every time.  And they have robots that apparently run on wheels that have no problems with soft sand?

Anyhow, I watched it for about twenty minutes and got more confused with each minute.  Eventually a particular scene came on and I realized this was the film I had seen all those years ago, which just goes to show how eminently memorable it was?  I switched off.

So what about this new film?  Will I go to see it?  No.  Will I watch it if it comes to television?  No.  I have better ways of spending my remaining years and watching that film would be two and quarter hours of my time that would be forever lost.

So I’m sorry Justin (my nephew).  I know you somehow think all this is real and I respect that.

Just don’t expect me to become a Jedi.

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